Toy Testers

I would like to propose a new group of testers.  Preschoolers.  Specifically ages 4 to young 5 years old.  These young ones have the ability to find the most dangerous, destructive, and/or annoying use of toys within a 30 second time period.  Simply hand a group of 3 to 6 preschoolers the toy you want to test, preferably in a large empty space (to limit damage to other nearby items or furniture) and quickly back away, preferably to a safe location...like a bunker. 

If you feel the need to, start a timer.  I GUARANTEE within one minute something will have been damaged or completely broken, someone will have been hit with a toy or child propelled by a toy, and someone will be crying...probably you. 

Think I'm exaggerating? Being dramatic? A little too cynical of these wonderful children?  I give you 3 examples. Here we go.

A. Hula Hoops
Fun, fairly safe, family toy, right? Wrong! These are weapons of torture, quickly used to trip fellow 4 year-olds who are trying to run away, clothesline anyone who survived the tripping, and slam into the face/nose of the ever optimistic teacher.  
     Oh come now, you say.  Surely a hollow plastic hoop can't hurt that much. Wrong, again! It hurts.  Like the dickens.  Try not to cry while your eyes are stinging and nose feels like its bleeding and you gently chide the young ones to be careful, don't swing it at your friends' faces, it hurts.  Still doubtful? Come on over, I'll show you how it feels.  As if all this isn't enough, the hooligans little ones quickly invented a "game" that I am sure is used for nefarious purposes, such as making one kid hand over all his snacks and lego-playing privileges for the rest of his life.  All the children are forced to stand inside the hula hoop. At some indiscernible signal the group starts spinning around faster and faster until someone inevitably trips and the whole group, trapped in the hoop, crash down on top of one another.  There are always cackles of laughter, probably to hide the pain. 

B. Tennis Balls
You know, those small fuzzy, yellow rubber balls? Good for wholesome activities like bouncing, rolling along the floor, and calmly kicking to a friend, right? Wrong! Even without rackets, bats, or sticks of any kind, these balls are immediately put to the test by flinging them at the closest friend.  The friend tries to run away, which must trigger some sort of animalistic chase instinct and prompts the flinger to, once again, cackle with laughter and chase the "friend" while flinging as many tennis balls as possible at him.  These balls even cause damage when being cleaned up.  Friends are taunted when they have an insignificant number of them collected (any number less than 1) and the inequalities of the amount each child has is frequently pointed out and apparently is the worst thing in the world.
     "He has 3!!!! I only have 2. :G" ( That is the best extreme sad face I could make).

C. Jump Ropes
You know, the fun pieces of string with hard wooden or plastic handles attached to each end, sometimes with deadly plastic beads strung the whole length of the rope?? Ok, just kidding.  I can realize the damage and pain these bad boys will inflict.  I will not even entertain the idea of letting a preschooler within 10 feet of these.  Except the one I use when we cross the street.  But that's obviously the linkage system in our class train.  Everyone knows that.  And that I'm always the engine.  

I hope this has enlightened you.  And no, I do not despise these kids.  I love them. But they are dangerous, and that needs to be recognized.  Also they have this untapped talent that I think someone should be making use of.  Just saying.

-I am Sami